Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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