omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize