there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
