Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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