I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
