her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
