i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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