I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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