I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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