watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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