Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
