i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
