I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
