Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
