Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
