we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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