when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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