a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
