oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
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