I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No subtext here. People are naked.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have fence marks all over my body
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
