You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
