yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
