He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
