Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize