i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
