1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
