So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
