I just saw a hot homeless man
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
