Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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