Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
