tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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