I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
