we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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