It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
