I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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