my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
