You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
