..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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