I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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