It's like God shit irony all over that family
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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