just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
