Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
