You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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