I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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