Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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