hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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