Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
