Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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