I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
