rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
