I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
