LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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