I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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