So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
