Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
