i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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