between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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