apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
