I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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